Jamie Ann's Site

You know it still sometimes surprises me (though I don't know why) how I will be thinking or praying about something and within the next week or so I will be around someone talking about that very thing or it will come up in a meeting and that is exactly what happened this past weekend when we gathered together.  There were actually two things that came up that I have really been thinking about. 

The first thing I have been thinking about was about a few people who have gone away and what kind of influence I had on them when they spent time around me.  I started kind of getting down on myself when I thought about mistakes I had made along the way.  Situations I may not have handled exactly right and as I thought about these things I wondered what kind of a difference it would have made if I had handled it better.  This thought would come to me at a few different times over the past couple of weeks.  Well, Sunday Bro. Stuart stood up in the meeting and talked about that exact same thing.  He was telling about his children and how when they started choosing a different way he would think about the situations and times when he didn't handle things just right and would wonder what if it had been different.  Then what he said next was an answer for me, he said (this may not be exactly right), "As I was praying about it God told me that in the end it was still their (his children's) choice.  Even if things had been handled exactly right it was still their choice on how they wanted to live."  I just sat there thinking, "Wow God!  You had him tell that just for me."  In that moment I realized even if I had handled every situation exactly right it all still came down to that person's choice on how they wanted to live their life.  It was such a relief!  No one even knew it was something I was thinking about, except God.  He knew and he gave me relief from those thoughts and trying to blame myself for the way certain things turned out with certain people. 

The other thing I had really been thinking and praying about for over a month now is giving my testimony.  It started back in February when Joseph received the holy Ghost and I heard about all the kids just really watching and soaking it in.  Well, during that time I was writing Karlee a letter and I mentioned Joseph getting the holy Ghost and how sweet it must be.  Then I began to tell her about when I got the holy Ghost and how I used to write to Bro. Gary and he would encourage me to talk to God.  Well, while writing these things to Karlee I realized that no one really knows my testimonies unless they have read them on here!  Boy something really hit me and I realized how I had been stealing from God's people - wow! - talking about feeling guilty I felt horrible.  I kept thinking I have got to start giving my testimony!!  Well, Saturday night Pastor John said something in the meeting about how giving your testimony is opening yourself up and letting people get to know and love you.  Then Sunday morning Amanda stood up and had a wonderful testimony about praying and during her prayer she was saying to the Lord "Here's my heart," but at first she wasn't really giving him her whole heart until she said it the third time and she fully gave him her heart.  She then compared it to testifying and how hard it is sometimes to stand up and just openly tell your testimony just because you know it is opening yourself up which you want to do, but you don't want to be hurt.  It was so good for me to hear that testimony because it was another answer to what I had been feeling.  I must say, sadly, I did not take my chance to stand up and testify and I know I am still hiding behind my old reputation of "being quiet and shy."  When I say that though, I am reminded of a quote from the Thought for Today 11/20 "Oh, the tyranny of a reputation!  It comes into our life as a visitor, but if allowed to remain, it always becomes master of the house, demanding that every action be directed toward it's maintenance."  Wow!  How true is that!!  I don't want "shyness" to be the master of me I want to break through that and stand up and give my testimony!!  I don't know who I will help when I share my experiences, so I need to share them.  I don't know who is waiting for an answer just like I was wanting for answers or relief this past weekend and I got it from a testimony.  I pray that God will give me the courage to step outside of that reputation and to give my testimony because I do not know who could be blessed from what I have to say.

A couple of people have asked to read my testimony so here it is...

I guess my testimony goes back to February 9,1991, that is the night Julie, Amanda, Natalie, and others received the holy Ghost at Uncle Earl and Aunt Betty's.  I remember they were all in the living room praying and we, us "little kids," were in the bedroom playing.  I remember going in the living room once or twice and watching everything going on, I guess I was to young to understand everything, but I remember having a small feeling inside of wanting what they were getting and everyone being so happy.  I also remember going into the bedroom and crying.  I told the others it was because I couldn't go outside (it was really hot in the house so the kids were going outside, but my parents wouldn't let me), but really inside I was wanting what the older girls were getting.  I thought I was too little to receive the holy Ghost (silly me!).  Some time after that night I remember telling my mom that I wanted the holy Ghost before I was 10.  

Now to Thanksgiving 1994...

We were all in Kentucky and we had gotten together to have a big Thanksgiving meal with everyone.  All of us kids were in the back room where we ate and played so we didn't disturb the adults.  The year before we were able to stay in the back room even while the meeting was going on, but for some reason this year all the parents made their kids come to the front room where everyone had started singing.  We were sitting there singing songs and people started going up for prayer.  All of us kids used to "line up" to get prayed for and I remember standing there watching someone getting the holy Ghost and I was on the verge of tears and I didn't understand why.  I remember while was "paitiently" waiting for "my turn" Bekah came up beside me and kinda nudged me like she was going to go ahead of me (and I would have let her go - even though I felt like I was going to burst!)  Also during that time I remember looking behind me and Wendy was crying and hugging someone.  I didn't know how much longer I could wait.  I don't really remember going up for prayer I just remember people praying for me (especially Aunt Kathy).  I also remember being very willing to do whatever I was told to do - it was irrelevant to me what I looked like or what other people thought.  I don't know how long people prayed for me, but I know other people got the holy Ghost during that time -- my friends -- it made me want the holy Ghost even more.  Finally!  I got it!!  I was so happy!  I remember after that going around and praying for others who were seeking the holy Ghost.  I remember seeing Josh receive the holy Ghost while sitting on Pastor John's lap and I remember praying with Anna T.  It was a wonderful night!  I remember staying with Ashley that night and I would wake up and in the middle of the night, speak in tongues (confirming that I had the holy Ghost) and going back to sleep.  

It's been 13 years - wow!  It doesn't seem like that long really.  Having the holy Ghost really helped me through high school and especially college when there are a lot of pressures to do wrong. 

As you know from my previous blog I wrote a letter to a friend to tell them about me - the real me - and after I finished writing it I thought maybe I should add the letter on here as another blog because I had put a lot of thought into it and it is my testimony.  Then Bekah suggested that I put the letter on here, so I am going to do it.  Here it is:

November 11. 2004

Hey!  I'm finally writing that letter.  How long has it taken me?!?  Well anyways, I feel like I need to tell you about the "real" me.  A couple of months ago we were talking and you said something about I didn't know what you're life was like because I have a happy life.  You know what, I do and it's because of what God has done in my life.  I may not know exactly what you are going through with heartaches or problems, but I do know where you can find relief and answers.  If you would ever like to go just tell me.  I can guarantee on thing and that is that you will definitely notice a difference from any other place you may have been.  The feelings are very different, but it is a good different.  You won't feel feelings so clean and pure anywhere else on earth.

Okay, let's see...I have been going to holiness prayer meetings since I was about 4 years old.  Honestly, holiness is the only "religion" that I really know.  Have you ever heard of speaking in tongues?  When I was 11 years old I received the holy Ghost with the evidence of speaking in tongues and from that day, Nov. 26, 1994, my life has been different.  There is a different set of standards for God's children (the people with the holy Ghost) and that standard is living a clean, pure life, but you also don't want to live life any other way.

Sunday night when you asked me (on instant messenger) how my weekend was all I did was put up the big smiley face and I was waiting for you to ask me why it was so great, but you didn't.  It was good for different reasons.  First of all I got my membership to our organization.  You don't get your membership until  you are an adult and you have had the holy Ghost for 6 months so it was a big moment in my life.  Then the whole rest of the meeting was all of us hugging each other.  Our hugging was clean and pure -- you see we're like one big family and our lives are totally connected.  I'll tell you what the feelings were so overwhelming and wonderful.  I wouldn't trade anything for those feelings and I don't want to ever do anything to lose them.  I honestly think that a stranger could have walked in the house and without know anything could have felt the love of God in that room.   

I know this is a lot to take in at one time and I'm sure it sounds strange, but why don't you come to one of our prayer meetings and "check it out" for yourself.  I would mean a lot to me for you to come and you would be welcomed by everyone. 

Well, that's it.  The letter I sent my friend.  I don't know, it was just the thoughts I was having at the time.  As soon as I started writing it was just like the words kept coming, so I knew I was doing the right thing. 

This morning as I got in the shower to get ready for work I began thinking about this one particular situation and as I was thinking about that it led me back to November of 2004.  Pastor John said something in one of the meetings that really struck me, I mean it went right to my heart.  I'm sure he had said it plenty of times, but this was the first time I had heard it.  He said, "When I chose God, it didn't matter what anyone else thought.  I would share with them my testimony, but that's all I could do, the ball was in their court and it was their decision whether to continue their same life or they could go to God."   I'm telling you when he said this, it went right into me.  It wasn't a matter of me getting my life straight, the point to me was that once I told my "friends" how I felt the ball was in their court.  They could choose whether to continue down their life of sin or to come along with me on my road of happiness with God.

I have to give a little bit of background for the rest of this to make sense.  When I turned 18 I got my first job, it was at a little amusement park in North Carolina.  I worked there for 5 summers, it was a very good job for me to have because they were very flexible with my schedule.  During my 2nd year of work there this guy started working.  We just kind of hit it off and our "friendship" just kind of grew.  Over the next couple of years we remained friends, we could tell each other everything which is unusual for me because I only talk about most things with my close friends and family.  During my senior year of college (2004) he started going to college with me.  This meant we were spending more time together, we would eat together and just general hanging out.  I guess it was around September we started kind of drifting and going our own ways.  It was kind of hard for me at first, but I just started filling my time with other things that I needed to be doing.  We still saw each other because we were still working together, but we weren't as close as we had been before.  We would still talk online and things like that, but it wasn't the same.  He already knew where I stood as far as my standards just because we had spent SO much time together over the past years at work, but we had never just talked. 

One night as we went to the bank to drop off the deposit from work he made a statement out of the blue about wishing all girls would just write him a letter and tell them what is on their mind.  It was at that very moment that a light bulb went off in my head and I knew what I needed to do.  I knew there was so much I wanted to tell him and for me it didn't matter if we weren't as close as we had been before, he was still part of my life and I still wanted to share my testimony with him.  I started writing a letter.  I took my time and did many different copies before I was happy with what I had.  I wanted to be sure that I said things in the right way and that everything was very clear.  I didn't want to leave anything out.  I had things written all over that page.  When I was finished I let a few different people read it just to see what they thought, to see what I should add, what I should change.  When I finally had it just like I wanted it I took out some fresh paper and began to re-write it in the order I felt like it should be in and making sure I didn't leave anything out.  I finished the letter the weekend before Thanksgiving and was hoping for a chance to see him before we left school for break.  It somehow worked out (ha!  God worked it out) so that my roommate and I ended up running into him and his friend at lunch the Tuesday before Thanksgiving.  As we finished lunch and began to go our separate ways I handed him the letter and told him I really wanted him to take his time and read it.  Then we went our separate ways.  We finally talked online Thanksgiving night and all he had to say was that it "freaked him out" and that was it.  Then the next day I was out at the mall with some friends and I ran into him.  It was very awkward and he didn't have much to say. 

Several people from Kentucky were in North Carolina for the Thanksgiving weekend.  It was a good weekend.  Every once and a while I would think about the letter, but it was really hard for me to dwell on that because everything else was so good.  It was during that weekend that Pastor John said about once he shared his testimony the ball was in the other person's court.  As soon as he said that whatever I felt inside in regards to that situation it was just gone.  It was like a release for me.  I knew that it was his choice, the ball was in his court, there was nothing more for me to do. 

Slowly over the past 3 years my friend and I have grown apart.  We worked together one more summer, but it wasn't the same as it had been and that was fine.  I was okay.  We could still hang out, but I knew it wouldn't be like it was before.  I was happy with my life and he was, or puts on the appearance of being, happy with his.  It's funny though because I feel like in a way all of that really drew us closer.  I see more about him than I have ever seen about anyone else before.  It's like I see through his appearance.  He can hide from everyone else, but he can't from me.  He always knows where to come to for good sound advice - he has done that on occasion.  He will also know where to come if he ever really wants to be happy.  

 "When I chose God, it didn't matter what anyone else thought.  I would share with them my testimony, but that's all I could do, the ball was in their court and it was their decision whether to continue their same life of sin or they could go to God." When Pastor John said those words I had such relief and peace about it all.  It may be that that statement was meant just for me and that's fine because I took that gold nugget and kept it in my pocket and it sure has been relief when I have gone through other situations similar to this one.  There is nothing left to do when they don't return the ball...the game is over.   

I have been editing the web letters folders on the pastorjohnshouse.com website and there have been some emails that really struck me and I wanted to share them so from time to time I will post them on here. 

This one from Julie A. a few years ago was so good!  I read this one and re-read this one.  I think it goes along with my previous blog and about how we spend our time.  It's so easy to get carried away by different things and to get distracted, but if we can remember this it will help get us focused back on where we are supposed to be.  This is just a simple, good, clean thought and I love it!

September 25, 2002

Hey Pastor John.

I had to jump out of bed real quick and write down some thoughts that God gave to me while praying in bed tonight. I was thinking about the Thought For Today from yesterday (9-23), about depression and how that it is really "unbelief". I was praying that God let me keep my mind on him all of the time, everyday, all day long. While praying that, God gave me this: "Occupy your mind with God, and that doesn't leave any room for spirits to occupy your mind with junk!"

Then Aunt Donna's song came to mind. I believe you mentioned a part of the song in that email. "I will keep you in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee". That is so encouraging! To keep your mind full of God, and there is no room for anything else to come in. If you are occupied with something in particular, you don't let other things or people get in the way. You are concentrating on that one thing. Praise God!! Let my mind be occupied with God and Godly things all of the time. God really has made my life beautiful and I want to keep it that way.

I don't want other junk( as S----- sometimes calls it), to get in the way of God and what he is doing in my life. I want perfect peace in my life, so I can concentrate on praising God and making him happy with me!

Thank God for allowing us to have peace and for knowing how to obtain it. Praise God!

I am so thankful.

Julie A.

Amen, Julie. This is very good!

jdc

I was writing a letter to Token just a few minutes ago and I was talking about my job.  In the letter I wrote "...It's a nice job, but I miss kids and being busy all the time."  As I wrote that God reminded me of a prayer I prayed sometime back when I was really stressed from teaching.  I don't exactly know when it was, but I remember praying.  I just want to relax, I don't want to be busy all the time.  I don't want to feel like I'm always on the go.  (I really want to think it was during my second year of teaching when I was just miserable.)  I remember during that time feeling like I never had time to spend with anyone and I was always up, most of the time going to work on only 3 or 4 hours of sleep.  I needed relief and God heard my prayer! 

Last December I was already feeling like my world was turned upside down because I had just finished teaching for my last day, I felt relieved, but at the same time sad and worried because I didn't know where that left me.  The next day, December 22, I was rushing around trying to get that last Christmas presents and get home before my grandparents got there before I knew it the traffic was backed onto the highway and I couldn't stop and I hit the back of another car.  I totaled my little Echo and did very minimal damage to the Isuzu Trooper that I hit.  I knew there was a lesson in this for me, but I was so upset at the time that I just couldn't think about it all.  Right after my wreck I knew part of it was that I was becoming too careless in my driving.  I had felt it before when I was rushing around, but I just ignored those feelings.  I know that somewhere inside I also knew that I needed to slow down, but old habits are hard to break. 

Jesus had set up everything in my life for me to be able to slow down yet I just couldn't.  He had already given me a job that was less stressful.  (Yes working with 2 year olds is less stressful than working with 2nd graders.)  There was much less for me to do and I had a 2 hour lunch to plan my next week's activities.  When I left work at 5 I was finished with my day there was no outside paperwork.  Yet I somehow still found "'other things" to fill my time.  Not only did I have all that I also had my regular "Christmas Break"  during which I had to rely on my parents to take me where I needed to go so I couldn't be just running around hanging out with my friends.  It was good I finally got to see my parents more, but it still seemed like I was always running around.  (It's like I said "some habits are just hard to break.")  Now here I am almost a year later all the way in Savannah and I am learning how to slow down.  This job is not fast paced at all.  I have a lot of "free time" which I can spend doing whatever I want to do reading, writing letters, working on this site, helping with www.pastorjohnshouse.com by editing the web letters.  Then when I get back to the apartment I can work on dinner and do things around there and not feel rushed like I just have to get somewhere.  It is something that I want to take back home with me when I leave Savannah.  Everything is so fast paced these days and just to be able to slow down, that's exactly what I need and I want to learn and remember this lesson so that God doesn't have to put me through another wreck or anything else. 

I'm adding this picture because this is what God did to get my attention last December. 

This week I have been feeling really homesick.  A few different things led up to the the homesickness, but I was sad and longed so much for just a day at home in NC.  Then I started thinking about how great it is to be living there with my family and what a precious thing that is to cherish.  Most of my life has been spent in the meetings, or just around people from the crowd in general (which I love), I have very few memories of going to church when I was little (and I'm thankful for it), but I didn't seem to treasure it at times.  It just seems though that the longer you've been around the more you take it for granted.  It's like you always knew that you could run back to it and you didn't fully take advantage of the precious gold that you have had right there everyday of your life.  I remember when Leah first moved to NC and I would watch her sometimes and think, "Wow she really knows what a gold mine this is and she is taking advantage of it."  She would spend her "free time" with different people and really getting to know her family.  It was a great way to get started and "dig in."  (Looking back I understand it more now, but I did notice it then.) 

I was talking to my dad during my really "low" day and he started telling me about his trip to see Bro. Ray and he made a comment about something and I started thinking about how Bro. Ray has lived in Virginia all these years, alone and longing to be with us and how much he treasured every visit to N.C.  He never complained about being so far away, instead he treasured each visitor that came to see him.  Nobody (except Jesus) knows how many days or nights he was lonely or depressed just wanting to be around people who love Jesus.  He continued to love Jesus through all of the and then Sis. CoraBelle received the holy Ghost and Bro. Ray can now have fellowship with his wife and spend the rest of their days loving the Lord and the things He does.  

I said all of that about Bro. Ray because when my dad told me about the visit I couldn't feel so sad anymore (I mean I still wanted to go home, but it took away some of the really heavy homesickness).  When I think about my time here in Georgia and how short it is, it is nothing compared to how long Bro. Ray has loved the truth and been in Virginia by himself, or how long Bro. Gary and Aunt Song lived in California and so on.  When you look at things from that perspective you can't feel as sad anymore because you know that (especially for me) it's just short term and it makes you want to treasure every moment you have with your family because you know you will have to leave again.  At the same time though I don't want to forget that feeling of homesickness because I don't want to start "slacking" off when I do move back home.  I want to take advantage of the opportunities to spend time with different people. 

These are just thoughts that I had over the last week and a half.  I don't know if this really makes sense, but it's just what I was thinking about. 

This morning as I was getting ready for work I was thinking about some different things.  One thing I was thinking about was the 2 ladies I work with.  They have sons, one is my age and one is a couple of years younger than me and both of them (the sons) still rely on their mom's to help them, whether it be needing money, buying them a truck, whatever it is, and neither one of them have a steady job.  Then I was reminded of the RT that Pastor John sent in February, Humbling Ourselves to Work.  Pastor John started off by saying this:  Being humble before God includes humbling ourselves to work because that was part God’s original curse for man’s sin.  A lazy man is more than just a lazy man; he is a rebel, resisting the righteous judgment of God.  I began then to be thankful for having worked since I was 18.  I remember when I wanted to get my license I knew I was required to work to get them and that's where it all started for me.  Since the day I started my first job I've felt lost if I wasn't working and more than that when I've been working I've put everything into my job because I wanted to do my best.  I thought about how sad it is for those 2 young men to not be working because they aren't learning responsibility, they aren't learning those basic life lessons they need to know to be successful adults and they aren't learning how to save so that they can one day support a family.  There mom's think they are just helping them out, but really they are teaching them that it is okay to be lazy, we will be here to give you money, a car, groceries.  It's just so sad to me!  I thought these are such good thoughts and a good way to start my day, but there's more....

Today I was getting in my car to run my normal errands of going to the Post Office, bank and picking up lunch.  As I unlocked my door I began to feel more thankful.  I was thinking about my parents and how blessed I am to have parents who love the Lord and who are there to help me when I need help.  I was looking at pictures that Amy posted to day and I just about cried sitting here at work because there were two pictures of my dad from a recent meeting and I just love seeing him like that.  It just makes me happy!    

It just keeps going...a few minutes ago one of the ladies I work with came in to my office and told me I needed to delete and subtract out 4 amounts that I had posted yesterday.  It's sometimes hard for me to take it when I do something wrong especially here, because this is all new to me and I'm learning.  I did what she said, happy to fix my mistake, and I had her check over it to make sure I did it right then I went to the bathroom and once again thankfulness just came over me.  I was thankful for the opportunity to fix my mistake and learn from it.  I could have gotten upset and tried to find someone to blame for it, but I didn't I just fixed my mistake and went on!  Yay!!! 

I know that the feelings I have had today are just an answer to what I was praying last night before I fell asleep of wanting to be closer to Jesus and wanting to feel good clean feelings all the time.  Also this morning I thought I read in an email (but I've looked everywhere and can't figure out where I would have read it) or maybe I just had this thought: Take advantage or where you are in your life right now and be thankful.  I remember thinking about how I don't think I always showed how grateful I was when I lived with my parents and I prayed for the opportunity to live there again and show my parents how grateful I am.  I also want to take advantage of my time here in Savannah.  It's my time to grow and to get closer to Jesus!  I love my time in bed at night because it gives me a chance to talk to God and tell Him how I feel (as if he doesn't know -ha!).  I remember Natalie E. (I think it was) talking about how precious that time is it's just you and God and there is nothing to distract you.  I love it!!  Thank you Jesus!! 

I was in the shower yesterday and I was thinking about something that happened when I was 10 years old that made a big difference in my life.  I don't really know

Well time went on and one weekend we were having a meeting at a hotel in Henderson because everyone from Kentucky had come to NC and we didn't have enough room in our meeting building.  I remember Cris was staying with us, but she was going to have to leave the Sunday meeting early because she had to go to a convention or something.  I remember many people asking her not to leave early and to just wait until the meeting was over, but she said she had to go.  I even remember as a 10 year old child lying in the bed that Saturday night before she was to leave early praying that she wouldn't leave because somehow I knew that she wouldn't be to too many more meetings after that one.  Well, Sunday morning came and she did leave early and I was sad because I knew what that meant because of the feelings I had had when I prayed the night before.  I may be missing meetings in here, but the next one I remember was the meeting where she brought someone new and she was so excited to introduce me to him.  (I didn't not know his name because really I just didn't want to commit it to memory and if truth be known I just plain didn't like him because I knew he would be the reason she left the meetings - remember I was 10 at the time and somehow I knew all of this.)  I was polite and I said, "Hi," but inside I wasn't happy I was hurt.  Well time went on and eventually she stopped coming to the meetings and I was hurt, but I just went on with my life because I didn't know what else to do.  I knew that I couldn't just sit around missing her. 

Now I am going to fast forward a little bit...

As I went on and began to grow up I started spending more time with the kids and when the Old Testament class started (my freshman year in college) I began to "babysit" two of the little girls and I realized that I was becoming part of their life and they would remember me.  I remember one specific time right at the beginning of my sophomore year in college (I think it was around September) I was lying in my bed trying to fall asleep and I just prayed that I wouldn't hurt the kids like I had been hurt.  I prayed that God would help me so that I would stick around no matter what because I didn't want any of the kids to go through what I had gone through.  After praying that I just drifted off to sleep.  I had no idea what would be happening 5 months later. 

5 months later...

February 1, 2003 is a day that I won't forget.  I remember sitting at home watching the news that morning when our phone rang and my dad answered it, I would have never guessed what he was going to say when he got off the phone (although because of recent events - Tracey coming and receiving the holy ghost - I had hoped it would happen).  He hung up the phone and told us the news I had been waiting for a long time to hear, he told us that Cris was going to be in the meeting that night and I was SO EXCITED.  I can't even really put into words how I felt.  I was literally beside myself!  I asked my dad if he thought the kids would be allowed to come to the Old Testament class (because they weren't usually allowed) and he said he thought it would be okay because he could tell that I didn't want to miss this.  I remember walking in and being a little shy, but going up to Cris to say "Hi!"  I didn't know if she would remember me at all, but I just had to say something.  She turned around and said "Hey" then asked me if I remembered Haskell (and I made a point to remember his name that night) and I told her vaguely.  Then she told him who I was and reminded him of a picture she had of my sister and I from the time we went to the lake.  I was so excited that she remembered me and just happy in general that she was there.  I really couldn't have imagined what else was going to happy that night.  I remember that Cris went up for prayer and I was just about right on her feet (well pretty close) I even left the girls playing in the back because I wanted to be right there.  I also remember Haskell coming up behind her and praying with her.  I don't remember exactly when Haskell got the holy ghost, but I could feel it.  The feelings that night were so sweet!  There is a picture of Cris hugging Pastor John and Haskell standing there too with his hands in the air praising God.  I mention that because I remember sitting across the room that night on the floor beside Amy P. and she leaned over to me and said, "Isn't God good?" or "That sure is sweet."  I remember smiling and nodding, but I knew she had no idea how I felt inside!    (That's the best I can do, but it felt much better than that!)  A few nights later I was back at school and I ended up talking to Amy on Instant Messenger and while we were talking she asked me, "Did know Cris?" or something similar to that and I replied, "Yes, and I looked up to her so much." 

March 13, 2004

Quite a few of us were in Kentucky this weekend for a meeting.  I was staying with Sarah and Cris and Haskell were staying upstairs with Tony and Margo.  Sarah and I decided to go up and visit Tony, Margo, Cris and Haskell.  We were upstairs talking and Cris and Haskell were talking about how they met or something and him coming to a meeting.  Well things came around to where I told Cris about all that I had gone through with her leaving and how I had felt when she came back and it just felt so good to tell her, it  was like I had just released those feelings and I didn't have to hold them in anymore.  I remember we stood there in the middle of the floor crying and hugging.    Then about a month later during a Wednesday night meeting we had one of those meetings where everyone is just hugging.  I remember sitting there and Aunt Ellen came over and hugged me for a while, then I knew that I had to go hug Haskell and I did and it just felt like the whole situation was complete whatever had been left in my heart to be settled was settled after that night.

I learned some things from this experience.  One thing is that I've always remembered how I felt as a child and because of that I feel like it has helped me to stay close to the Lord so that I wouldn't hurt anyone, even the children that I looked up to me.  I also learned that Jesus really can heal your heart.  I mean I knew it, but there's nothing like your own experience.  He cares about how we feel and he wants us to be happy, but he will also put us through things to keep us.  I am thankful for this experience and I am even more thankful to have Cris and Haskell (and Hope and Daniel) in my life.  Only Jesus can do it! 

This happened April 23, 1999

I remember in high school something happened and I was really starting to settle in on how I wanted to live my life.  I knew that I wanted to live a holy, clean life and to marry someone who loved the Lord as much as I did and to raise my children in the truth.  I'm not sure what really clicked or changed me, but I remember that happening.  It was around 10th grade when I really knew this about me.  In 1999 I was in 10th grade and that is the year of the Columbine shooting.  Well, you know how things go if one person does something everyone else has to try and copycat.  Well, of course people started calling in bomb threats at our school.  I remember we were sitting out on the front lawn waiting and waiting for them to let us back in the school.  Slowly more and more people began to leave.  They would just get their stuff and leave, well really their stuff was stuck inside the building so they would just drive home, or wherever, without their things.  I was just sitting there on the lawn just watching everyone and this guy that I knew in passing and who was a year behind me sat down beside me.  He just started with small talk and we chatted for a bit.  I commented on how many people left since we came outside.  He said yeah but it doesn't matter because if it's their day to die then they'll just be in a wreck.  I said yes that's true because there is no way to escape death.  Well we continued to talk and he said something about being saved and he asked me if I was saved.  I told him no because I don't believe that.  He asked me what I did believe and I said, "Well, I believe you you live right, repent, get the holy ghost, and then you are saved."  (Remember this is 10th grade.)  Well with that he took out his Bible and read a verse to me.  Then he "explained" to me that this verse meant that everyone goes to heaven and they have a choice whether or not to stay.  I told him I didn't believe that.  (I didn't know enough to really explain to him why that was wrong and I just didn't want a debate.)  Eventually we ended up leaving because most of the day was wasted by sitting outside.  Well I kept trying to remember what verse that was that he read me, but all I could remember was that it was in the New Testament, it was Chapter 3 and Verse 9 and that it started off The Lord is not slack ... but that was all I could remember.  I remember being really excited about it because I knew God had set that situation up, but I was disappointed because I could not remember that verse.  I told my mom, Aunt Caroline, and Pastor John about it because I was really excited.  Well, I went to bed thinking about it and really wishing I could remember what verse it was.  It was on my mind so much that night that God gave me a dream.  In the dream we were all sitting around at someone's house and Aunt Ellen and I were sitting kind of off to the side looking at a Bible.  On the very page we were looking at was the verse that that guy had read to me, so in my dream I quickly looked to see where we were looking and I found out it was in Peter!  Right then the dream ended.  I had to get up early the next morning (Sunday) because I was getting ready to go to Aunt Lee Ann's with Amy P.  Well, my mom had gotten up with me and while I was in the shower I asked her to read Chapter 3 Verse 9 in 1st and 2nd Peter, so while I was in the shower she read them to me.  When she read 2 Peter Chapter 3 Verse 9 I was so excited because that was the verse.  The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is longsuffering to usward, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance.  I remember telling Aunt Lee Ann and Amy and some others about it.  

I learned that God would give me an answer even though I didn't really ask a question because it was more like a passing thought.  I still remember the way I felt that morning when I found out where that verse was, I remember thinking, "Wow!  God answered ME.  He gave ME a dream because he cares about ME."  I know that this was part of the change made in me really getting rooted in the truth and wanting to know God.   

Last night I wrote a message to Kaylie about it being good that she was keeping up with her testamonies.  Aunt Betty told me that back when I was in middle or maybe high school, she even bought me a little journal to keep them in.  I really wish I had done a better job about writing them down because just as she said I have forgotten some of the details and in some cases almost forgotten about something until my memory is sparked.  I am hoping that by having this website it will help me to keep writing my testamonies.  My memory was sparked last night about something that happened to me when I was in college and I would like to share it now, so I don't forget it again.

Let's see it was back at the beginning of my junior year in college.  It was only November, but it had already been a long school year.  I guess that's not good to say, but a lot had gone one in those two and a half months.  Plus I was in my hardest semester of college.  Sometime during those two and a half months I had started blocking feelings.  I don't really know how to explain it, except that I was trying to block specific feelings and in the end I completely blocked all feelings and I was miserable.  I remember climbing into bed one night and while I was lying there and I remember praying that we were getting ready to have a big get together for Thanksgiving and I didn't want to be miserable and that I needed a touch.  After praying that I turned over and fell asleep.  While I was asleep God gave me a dream.  In the dream we were in a meeting and Darren played a new song and while he was playing the song I began to cry.  Then while I was crying someone came up and gave me a hug.  Then I woke up and got ready for my day.  I went on with the rest of my week and I didn't really think much more about the dream until Sunday....

We got together that Sunday for a meeting and Darren pulled out his guitar and he started singing a song, a new song, and I began to cry.  Eventually people started getting prayed for and I went up and began to cry harder.  It felt so good to cry because I was getting my feelings back.  During the time that I was just there crying I felt like I just needed and "Aunt Donna hug" and before I knew it she was hugging me.  It just felt so good and I felt so refreshed.  It wasn't until later that day that I remembered my dream.  God had given me that dream 4 days earlier and then it had happened.  I learned that God really does listen to our prayers (not that I didn't think He did, but it just helped to build my faith).   The song Darren sang was the one that starts with I have been here all along I have poured my heart out in these songs sharing feelings from inside pouring blessings out the window's open wide I put it in your heart.... Those my not be the exact words, but I think everyone knows what song  it is.      

Everyone knows I am living in Savannah now, but most of you don't know what led up to me moving.  Everything started back near the beginning of the year right after Wendy found out she was going to South.  We were working out at the gym one Saturday morning and she was talking about moving and how much it would cost to live in Savannah.  I jokingly said, "I should just move to Georgia with you."  She said, "Yeah that would be awesome."  Immediately I wondered if I had made a mistake by saying anything.  I knew what moving would mean and I wasn't sure if it was the right thing.  We didn't say much else about it.  I went home thinking about it though.  I mentioned it in passing to my parents, but they didn't say much.  I knew we were all still thinking about it though.  I remember getting in the shower after that and crying and praying that if I was supposed to move let someone else (such as Aunt Barbara) mention it and that if I was supposed to move I would need help with feeling homesick and missing everyone.  I did not want me moving to be my will because in the past (and even recently) I had seen people do things of their own will and they didn't turn out so great.     

I would guess that about a month passed without really talking about it.  Then one night some of us went to eat at Sagebrush.  Aunt Barbara was sitting at one end of the table and I was at the other with my parents.  My dad decided out of the blue to say something to everyone sitting there about me moving.  I didn't say much (that I can remember), but Aunt Barbara said she could tell the way my dad felt about it.  I don't remember many other comments about it.  I didn't really know how Aunt Barbara felt until the next night when Wendy came over.  She told us that she had been over to the Clark's and Aunt Barbara said something to her about me moving and then Pastor John had walked in the room and she told him and they both seemed to think it was a good idea.  I knew that meant I would be going to talk to them soon, but I didn't know if I was ready. 

I finally got the chance to go talk to them and Aunt Barbara told me that it was a good idea and that I had reached a time in my life where I was growing and it was time to do it "out on my own" (this isn't word for word, but that was the point).  She also told me that I would be homesick, that would be a given., but that I would be okay. 

During my last month at home there were times when I would be overcome with the reality that I was leaving and I just couldn't take it.  Then there were times when I would be riding down the road listening to a cd and a song would just strike a chord and I would begin to cry.  I really wasn't sure at one point if I would actually be able to move because I just didn't know if I could take it, emotionally.  I did move though and I've been here 1 month and I've visited home twice.  Overall though I really like it here.  I know this is my time to learn more and get closer to God. 

Just a couple of more things before I wrap this up.  I remember one night I was starting to feel homesick, so I decided I would get on the website and read a tract before I went to bed.  Well, I noticed I had a new email so I opened it up and it was from Keith.  He was just writing to say hello.  The email was just what I needed at that moment.    I even found out later from Tracey that he doesn't usually write emails like that.  I knew God put it on his heart to write an email to me because I needed it at the time.  After that I could just read the tract and go on to bed and I didn't feel quite as lonely and homesick anymore. 

The last thing I wanted to say was, during my first trip home (which was a surprise to everyone) my dad stood up in the meeting and he was talking about me moving.  During his testimony he said that he knew it wasn't my will to move, that it was something that I had to do.  He said it wasn't my will.  I was so glad to hear that because that was what I had prayed way back when the whole idea first came about.   

Okay so I don't really want to copy cat Bekah.  I was looking through some papers in my Bible about a month ago and I saw where I had written all these quotes on all these different sheets of paper and I decided to compile  them onto what I thought would be 1 sheet of paper, but it turned into 5 pages front and back.  Since I had these all together I thought I would share them with you.  I hope you enjoy them.

"Men offer ceremonies because God is not involved." ~ Pastor John 3/24/07

"You need to get addicted to the holy Ghost." ~ Pastor John

"Give all the fear in your heart to Jesus." ~ Pastor John

"The battle is always to come to the knowledge of God and retain your first love." ~ Pastor John

"Nobody gets by with anything." ~ Pastor John 5/11/05

"Pray without ceasing you're always talking to God." ~ Pastor John 5/11/05

"Don't be the first to take up a new style."! ~ Pastor John 5/11/05

"Your presence and your absence says something." ~ Pastor John 5/11/05

"You don't have fellowship with Him until the holy Ghost washes you up." ~ Pastor John 5/11/05

"The purpose of knowing the Bible is to teach us something right now." ~ Pastor John 5/11/05

"Are you able to do the will of God right now remembering your relatives?  If not, you aren't ready to reign with God." ~ Pastor John 6/4/05

"Suffer now or suffer then." ~ Pastor John 5/15/05

"When law and order are thrown out, the real spirit of man comes out." ~ Pastor John 5/15/05

"Everything is temporary." ~ Pastor John 5/15/05

"We have to have the faith to obey God." ~ Pastor John 5/15/05

"'Keeping the peace' is a right spirit giving in to a wrong spirit." ~ Pastor John 5/15/05

"Right now we have to learn how to not give in to evil spirits (not even one hour). ~ Pastor John 5/15/05

"Don't ever 'keep the peace' -- enforce it!" ~ Pastor John 5/15/05

"God will give you silence when people are expecting sarcasm." ~ Pastor John 5/15/05

"Don't wrestle spirits, overcome them." ~ Pastor John 5/15/05

"Have you done anything right today?  Thank God for it because He did it." ~ Pastor John

"God has made a way out for us if we will take it." ~ Pastor John

"To have a choice is a gift of God." ~ Pastor John

"God is looking for the God in us." ~ Aunt Sandy 6/18/05

"People will respect you if you are just what you are in God." ~ Bro. Jimmy 6/18/05

"God has confidence in you -- get over it." ~ Bro. Jimmy 6/18/05

"It matters how people feel." ~ Bro. Jimmy 6/18/05

"Somebody's gonna run your life.  If it's anybody but God it's going to end up in a mess." 6/18/05

"You may have to learn to do right, but you stop doing evil." ~ Pastor John 3/10/07

"No one is immune from influence." ~ Pastor John 3/10/07

"You don't have to be patient with sin." ~ Pastor John 3/10/07

"Faith is only the reaching out of an empty hand to receive. ... It is what is received which only ultimately counts." ~ James Dunn ~ Pastor John 3/10/07

"People are deceived, but they seem to enjoy it." ~ Preacher Clark

"When you make up your mind that God will not get through to you, you are a fool." ~ Pastor John 10/29/06

"When the spirit withdraws from you there is nothing left for you." ~ Pastor John 10/29/06

"God has been with you all along." ~ Aunt Sandy 1/18/06

"God gives you what you want, even if you don't know what you want." ~  1/18/06

"Anything can be sin if it's not in God's time." ~ Pastor John

"You didn't figure out the right way.  It came from God or you're in the wrong way." ~ Pastor John

"The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom unless you're damned." ~ Pastor John

"Has anybody seen God in you lately?  If not - repent."  8/16/06

"Get a reputation in the spirit world." 8/6/06

"Sin is a matter of the heart."

"If peace rules, then trouble is illegal." 8/9/06

"A false accusation is a confession. -- What have people said about you lately?"

"If you fulfill your roles in this life the right way then you are a good slave for Jesus." 8/9/06

"We can't treat God right unless we treat one another right." 8/9/06

"Attitude is everything." ~ Pastor John

"Go to zero, stay at zero and anything about that you will know God gave it to you." ~ Aunt Barbara

"Do you have anything good in your life that you want?  What good things has God offered you - do you want them?" 12/13/06

"Live so that God will allow you to keep your blessings." 12/13/06

"Make God want to keep on blessing you." 12/13/06

"All God is after is a right response of love and grace -- that'll save you.  12/13/06

"Blessings can be lost forever." 12/13/06

"Recognize the voice of God and love (value) it." 12/13/06

"Do you really want God's goodness to continue in your life?" 12/13/06

"Humble yourself and let God lift you to where you are supposed to be (your function)." 12/13/06

"If things aren't right in your heart confess that things aren't right in your heart." 12/13/06

"You're going to end up with what you really want and no one can stop you." 12/13/06

"If you believe God it won't take long to fix things." 12/13/06

"There's plenty enough good if anyone wants it." 12/13/06

"If you are seeing things that you need to work on, then you need to become mature enough to where you would work on those things whether or not God gave you what you wanted."  ~ Tracey H. 7/2/06

"How much knowledge can God trust you with?" ~ Pastor John 10/11/06

"There are a lot of people suffering who are not calling out to God for themselves." 10/11/06

"No one can fill the longing like Jesus." ~ Amy 10/11/06

"When you're down to nothing, God is up to something." 10/11/06

"Watch people's reaction about the holy Ghost -- that says where their heart is." ~ Pastor John 10/11/06

"Whatever good thing you do came from God." 8/14/04

"If you don't know what to do next...so what!  Do the will of God and He will tell you what to do." 7/25/04

"Jesus is not going to let us down." ~ Pastor John

"What a guilty conscience really is...It is the love of God in action!  A man without a conscience is a man without God and without hope.  The man who  cannot escape pangs of guilt when he has done wrong is the man whom God loves. ~ Thought for the Day

"A person who pleases everybody is not being honest with anybody." ~ Pastor John

"Repentance is not a feeling, but a doing, many have been 'pricked in their hearts' without changing a thing. ~ Pastor John

2 secrets to being happy in God..."If you've done something wrong, repent.  And if someone has done something wrong to you, forgive." ~ Uncle Joe (late 60's early 70's)

"Be aggressive with goodness.  Take advantage of the blessing you have and use it to help you seek God and live forever." ~ Pastor John

"I don't have to search for food or water, everything I need to eat will be brought to the table when we gather... All I have to do is prepare my heart (a covered dish) to be able to eat." ~ Billy Mellick

"Keep your mind on eternal life and you won't go overboard in anything." ~ Pastor John 7/25/04

"Let go of the world and hold on to God with both hands." 2/20/05

"There's only one way. And you don't know the one way until you know how to get in the one way." ~ Preacher Clark 12/21/69

"He just has what we need all the time.  No need to get in a hurry.  All we have to do is be willing to wait on God and not try to figure and analyze and speculate and twist and turn and whatever." ~ Aunt Sandy 3/2/06

"Doing nothing is something and makes room for anything to move in." ~ Token 1/4/06

"Save yourself the trouble and go ahead and believe the truth." ~ Pastor John 4/20/05

"You can't take advantage of a single gift God has given you without making Him happy.  If God loves you enough He won't let you get rid of your gifts." ~ Pastor John

"The only thing anybody y really has is what they have in God." ~ Uncle Bob 1/4/06

"There are peaks and valleys in this life, but the wonderful part is that God is in both places, and we can learn from both if we stay humble.  Just look for God .  And how good it is when we find Him!" ~ Aunt Sandy

"As Brother Roberts said, 'It's the anointing that breaks the yoke.'  I love that phrase it is so true.  They have to love what we love FIRST.  Then they will see it, in time." ~ Bro. Gary 3/3/06

"If you want to be good, then invest your time around good people.  If you want to be holy, then seek out holy people and spend your days around them.  It will not be what you see and hear that most will influence your spirit; rather it will be what your spirit feels.  (The influence of there spirits is what you're seeking, not their intelligence or natural abilities.)  Their spirits will influence your attitude toward life, your desires for the future, and your methods -- all the things that really get you somewhere with God." ~ TFE 3/13/05

"Not all of God's decisions are gonna make us happy, but they're right." ~ Pastor John 5/21/07

"Live so you can be a comfort to somebody." ~ Pastor John 5/27/07

"You can't honor God without honoring Jesus." ~ Pastor John 5/26/07

"Has anybody seen God in you lately?" ~ Pastor John 5/26/07

"Happiness is a matter of the heart as well as the head." ~ Pastor John

"Shake this world loose." ~ Uncle Earl

"Life is not a game.  Don't lose it." ~ Pastor John

"Jesus is offering something free just let go of the other stuff and grab Jesus."

"Most people choose good over bad, but you have to get to the point where you choose God over both." ~ Aunt Barbara

"Salvation is what God does when we are thinking about something else." ~ Pastor John

"When you look inside can you be honest enough to see what is there?" ~ Aunt Donna

"It matters to Jesus how you make people feel." ~ Pastor John

"In his testimony, Uncle Joe said, 'Anything we're doing that we can't thank God for, we better quit doing.   Those things will drag us down.'  When Solomon warned his young song to 'guard your heart with all diligence,' this is what he was talking about.  A heart that harbors no secret condemnation is a great treasure, worth whatever one had to do to obtain it." ~ TFE 11/5/05

"God has taught me this week that 'salvation is what is happening while we are loving and being loved by God." ~ Aunt Sandy 3/15/06

"There's nothing you can do that God can't fix." ~ Pastor John 5/31/06

"What your boss thinks of you is how God thinks of you." ~ Pastor John

"When you are going through something - ask God, 'What do you want me to learn about you?'  If you get still God will tell you." ~ Pastor John 5/31/06

"If you're complaining about something in the past you're not happy with what God is doing now." ~ Pastor John 3/15/06

"99% of the time someone gets angry they are wrong." ~ Bro. Jimmy T. 3/15/06

"Until their heart is with God let go of them." 6/18/06

"If you boast, boast in God." Pastor John 2/22/06

"You c an count on Him when you need Him." ~ Pastor John 2/22/06

"The holy Ghost is always right there, it will never leave you or forsake you." ~ Pastor John 2/22/06

"The only way NOT to be a cult is to walk in the spirit of God." ~ Pastor John 7/1//06

"Love without knowledge is dangerous; it can destroy." ~ Pastor John 7/1/06

"Everything you do will prove the truth right." ~ Pastor John 7/1/06

"Are you living like you are thankful for the love of God?"

"Your choices determine your future." ~ Pastor John

"Value your blessings, the Lord will take them away." ~ Pastor John

"You are, right now, a result of decisions you've made along the way." Pastor John 5/17/06

"Any man in his best state is altogether vanity." ~ Pastor John 5/3/06

"Deny what your flesh is telling you to do and do what your heart is saying." ~ Pastor John 5/6/06

"If you know to do good and you don't do it, it is sin." ~ Taylor 5/7/06

"God is after one thing - to make you ready so He can destroy the universe." ~ Sis. Willie 5/6/06

"The death of Jesus reconciled nobody until 40 or 50 days later when people were reconciled to Him." ~ Pastor John

"It is better to be steady [in the Lord] in the long run than to make a big splash for a short time." ~ Pastor John 6/7/06

"People reject the truth because they know when you accept it you can see where they are. (They will try to pull you away.)" ~ Bro. Jimmy T. 6/14/06

"If it doesn't get rid of your sins, what are you doing there?" ~ Pastor John 6/14/06

"If the way you are worshipping God does not purge you from sin, it is worthless." ~ Pastor John 7/5/06

"The love of God doesn't blind you, it opens your eyes and you see everyone for who they are." ~ Pastor John 7/5/06

"Do not be satisfied with a man telling you that you are right with God.  Wait for God to give you His witness: the baptism of the holy Ghost with the evidence of the Spirit's voice crying out through you, 'Abba Father."  Remember what John the apostle wrote: 'It is the Spirit that bears witness because the Spirit is truth' (1 Jn. 5:6b).  Men can misunderstand, but the holy Ghost never does.  Men can misjudge, but the holy Ghost never does.  Every person who has received the holy Ghost baptism has repented of his sins, and every person who has not received the holy Ghost has not repented of his sins.  To maintain the standard is to have faith in God, in his judgements of the hearts of men.  And that is as complicated as our faith ever need be." ~ TFM 4/8/06

We make choices everyday in our life. some good and some bad.  Hopefully we will make more good choices than bad ones.  I have been thinking about some people I have known over the last few years who have made choices that have had an affect on my life.  These people made their choices thinking of themselves and not considering the other people whose lives they would also affect.  Always remember that the choices you make aren't just going to affect you they will also affect those who are around you, those you have had contact with.  It's been so sad for me to stand back and watch people throw away the things and people God has put in their life because they wanted to do things their own way or they wanted to "make their own mistakes."  Why would you want to go out on your own and make mistakes with no one around who can really help?  I mean we're all going to make mistakes, so I would rather make a mistake and have someone around who loved me and could really help me. 

Every time someone makes a choice there are two outcomes: hurt or happiness.  There really isn't any middle when choices are made.  In just the past year I have watched three people that I was very close to make the choice to turn away from God.  It hurt, but it made me love God more and want to stay close and to pray that God doesn't let me go and give in to my own way.  The first person turned away from God because she wanted to be married and she didn't want to bring him around and get the holy Ghost.  Another person left because he is very easily influenced and in his words he wanted to "make his own mistakes".  Finally, the last person, my sister, left because she didn't want to listen to my parents and she wanted to move in with some guy.  In every one of these situations they weren't established in the Lord.  They never really dug in to learn about God.  In all three of these cases I was hurt by the choices that each person made, but I feel like they have made me stronger.  I think about these situations and everyone who was hurt and it makes me never want to hurt any of my family, those who care about me and love me and who have invested time in me to make me a stronger, better person. 

When I was 10 years old I was hurt by someone who I looked up to, someone that I cared about so much.  Even at 10 it hurt me to know the choice she was making, but God turned it all around.  Ten years later, when I was almost 20 she came back.  The very first meeting she was in her husband received the holy Ghost, it was SO sweet.  It took me a month or before I could fully be happy because I still felt some of that hurt.  God brought it around so that I could tell her how I had felt 10 years before.  In no time God fixed it all with us.  This is one of the times when a choice brings happiness and that night is a memory that is ingrained in my memory. 

You know God has never let me forget the way I felt when I was 10 years old and I am so thankful for that.  I remember in college I would be lying in my bed trying to fall asleep and I would pray not to ever hurt anyone, especially the kids that looked up to me, like I had been hurt.