You know it still sometimes surprises me (though I don't know why) how I will be thinking or praying about something and within the next week or so I will be around someone talking about that very thing or it will come up in a meeting and that is exactly what happened this past weekend when we gathered together. There were actually two things that came up that I have really been thinking about.
The first thing I have been thinking about was about a few people who have gone away and what kind of influence I had on them when they spent time around me. I started kind of getting down on myself when I thought about mistakes I had made along the way. Situations I may not have handled exactly right and as I thought about these things I wondered what kind of a difference it would have made if I had handled it better. This thought would come to me at a few different times over the past couple of weeks. Well, Sunday Bro. Stuart stood up in the meeting and talked about that exact same thing. He was telling about his children and how when they started choosing a different way he would think about the situations and times when he didn't handle things just right and would wonder what if it had been different. Then what he said next was an answer for me, he said (this may not be exactly right), "As I was praying about it God told me that in the end it was still their (his children's) choice. Even if things had been handled exactly right it was still their choice on how they wanted to live." I just sat there thinking, "Wow God! You had him tell that just for me." In that moment I realized even if I had handled every situation exactly right it all still came down to that person's choice on how they wanted to live their life. It was such a relief! No one even knew it was something I was thinking about, except God. He knew and he gave me relief from those thoughts and trying to blame myself for the way certain things turned out with certain people.
The other thing I had really been thinking and praying about for over a month now is giving my testimony. It started back in February when Joseph received the holy Ghost and I heard about all the kids just really watching and soaking it in. Well, during that time I was writing Karlee a letter and I mentioned Joseph getting the holy Ghost and how sweet it must be. Then I began to tell her about when I got the holy Ghost and how I used to write to Bro. Gary and he would encourage me to talk to God. Well, while writing these things to Karlee I realized that no one really knows my testimonies unless they have read them on here! Boy something really hit me and I realized how I had been stealing from God's people - wow! - talking about feeling guilty I felt horrible. I kept thinking I have got to start giving my testimony!! Well, Saturday night Pastor John said something in the meeting about how giving your testimony is opening yourself up and letting people get to know and love you. Then Sunday morning Amanda stood up and had a wonderful testimony about praying and during her prayer she was saying to the Lord "Here's my heart," but at first she wasn't really giving him her whole heart until she said it the third time and she fully gave him her heart. She then compared it to testifying and how hard it is sometimes to stand up and just openly tell your testimony just because you know it is opening yourself up which you want to do, but you don't want to be hurt. It was so good for me to hear that testimony because it was another answer to what I had been feeling. I must say, sadly, I did not take my chance to stand up and testify and I know I am still hiding behind my old reputation of "being quiet and shy." When I say that though, I am reminded of a quote from the Thought for Today 11/20 "Oh, the tyranny of a reputation! It comes into our life as a visitor, but if allowed to remain, it always becomes master of the house, demanding that every action be directed toward it's maintenance." Wow! How true is that!! I don't want "shyness" to be the master of me I want to break through that and stand up and give my testimony!! I don't know who I will help when I share my experiences, so I need to share them. I don't know who is waiting for an answer just like I was wanting for answers or relief this past weekend and I got it from a testimony. I pray that God will give me the courage to step outside of that reputation and to give my testimony because I do not know who could be blessed from what I have to say.
